Archive | November, 2010

My love

30 Nov

I have a love affair with light. With shadows. The bulb is a brush that creates…

the shadows, a stain that hides.

I am manipulative. And it is passive to me. I have a love affair with light.

29 Nov

There are so many pieces that make up our lives.

I love all the little pieces, all the inconsequential bits that compose something great.

To just add up things that, on their own, mean nothing. They are in and of themselves meaning less.

Together they have purpose. Like the atoms that make up our bodies, our homes, our days, they come together and create our lives.

I love these pieces. They are from my bones, on my skin, and in my eyes.

26 Nov

When the World ends,
I’ll find my way back to myself.

© 2010 MagaSoto

Dreaming Apples

25 Nov

© MagaSoto 2009


Dreaming apples

“Dreaming apples I sleep well,

I see them all around my mind

or whatever it is that projects my life,

in dreams,

the only way life is pure,

purely clean from your conscience,

purely safe from your surroundings,

purely free,

I might say,

although it’s only when you wake up,

and you are able to live your exact same dream,


without fear,

when you see that you are now

whatever it is you wish to be.

Go on, dreamer. Get up.”

Thoughts on depression

23 Nov

Sentence from the song “The World At Large”, by Modest Mouse.

I took this picture in one of the worst depressive moments of my entire life. I wanted to treat the theme of depression, getting out of it and taking the best out the experience cause it was really important to me and I identify with lots of those who have been there. In this particular case, I didn’t know how to get out of bed every morning and not feel like nothing’s worth living for, and those thoughts were way louder than any rational ideas that my parents or friends tried to tell me. It was a horrifying moment of my life, and I’m determined not to ever go back.

However, I said I would add the positive side of this moment, and believe it or not there is one (I know, if you are depressed at the moment you won’t really understand this). First, I took this self-portrait. I listened to one of my favorite bands and came across a sentence that reflected what was going on in my mind at that point. Now I have the record of this moment, and the result is just this picture, which I absolutely love. Second, feeling depressed and getting out of it on your own means a lot of things! I was able to feel the strongest sadness I had ever known and the worst self-destructive thoughts, and then got back up again in a world of peace, love and full of ambitions. I was on the bottom and then got up to the top. And I learned from that, and felt super proud of myself.

It is terribly scary when you think you might just be dead the following day. There is nothing you can do, your thoughts on this sort of “nothingness” are stronger than anything else, and there is very little hope that someone else is going to save you. I wanted to share a quote that I read the same day I took this last picture:

“Depression is a lot like that: Slowly, over the years, the data will accumulate in your heart and mind, a computer program for total negativity will build into your system, making life feel more and more unbearable. But you won’t even notice it coming on, thinking that it is somehow normal, something about getting older, about turning eight or turning twelve or turning fifteen, and then one day you realize that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human existence. One morning you wake up afraid you are going to live.” Elisabeth Wurtz, Prozac Nation.

I wanted to share this cause this is exactly what I felt. This powerlessness of having to go by another day makes you think of how to end your life, which is not a life anymore, or at least not for the person who is living it.

But what I want to say is that I never went to therapy or took antidepressants, and I did get out of this hole eight months later. I can’t promise I’m out of it completely and permanently, but I intend to fight with everything I have to stop it from coming back. You have resources, we all do, and the first step you might want to make is to make people around you understand that your situation is not a choice you made or an unavoidable part of your personality. There is a cure for it, and you are going to find it, I promise. Just don’t give up, and believe in yourself, as hard as that might be.

Once you are out, you’ll look back like I do with these pictures and will ask yourself if that was you and how is that even possible or relatable.

Still Here

22 Nov


Sunday morning

21 Nov

There is something deeply beautiful about waking up every morning in this room. It might be that I’m on my own terms. It might just be that I finally did it to Portland. It might also be that no one is looking, and that I am the observer to break any intimacy. It can also be the fact that this is one of those Sunday mornings, when you realize that this is a day you want to live, even though it might just consist on staying in and watching some lazy movies and listening to music. Whatever it is, I love the sight, the sensation and the lack of company.

This is all I expect from today.

© 2010 MagaSoto