Thoughts on depression

23 Nov

Sentence from the song “The World At Large”, by Modest Mouse.

I took this picture in one of the worst depressive moments of my entire life. I wanted to treat the theme of depression, getting out of it and taking the best out the experience cause it was really important to me and I identify with lots of those who have been there. In this particular case, I didn’t know how to get out of bed every morning and not feel like nothing’s worth living for, and those thoughts were way louder than any rational ideas that my parents or friends tried to tell me. It was a horrifying moment of my life, and I’m determined not to ever go back.

However, I said I would add the positive side of this moment, and believe it or not there is one (I know, if you are depressed at the moment you won’t really understand this). First, I took this self-portrait. I listened to one of my favorite bands and came across a sentence that reflected what was going on in my mind at that point. Now I have the record of this moment, and the result is just this picture, which I absolutely love. Second, feeling depressed and getting out of it on your own means a lot of things! I was able to feel the strongest sadness I had ever known and the worst self-destructive thoughts, and then got back up again in a world of peace, love and full of ambitions. I was on the bottom and then got up to the top. And I learned from that, and felt super proud of myself.

It is terribly scary when you think you might just be dead the following day. There is nothing you can do, your thoughts on this sort of “nothingness” are stronger than anything else, and there is very little hope that someone else is going to save you. I wanted to share a quote that I read the same day I took this last picture:

“Depression is a lot like that: Slowly, over the years, the data will accumulate in your heart and mind, a computer program for total negativity will build into your system, making life feel more and more unbearable. But you won’t even notice it coming on, thinking that it is somehow normal, something about getting older, about turning eight or turning twelve or turning fifteen, and then one day you realize that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human existence. One morning you wake up afraid you are going to live.” Elisabeth Wurtz, Prozac Nation.

I wanted to share this cause this is exactly what I felt. This powerlessness of having to go by another day makes you think of how to end your life, which is not a life anymore, or at least not for the person who is living it.

But what I want to say is that I never went to therapy or took antidepressants, and I did get out of this hole eight months later. I can’t promise I’m out of it completely and permanently, but I intend to fight with everything I have to stop it from coming back. You have resources, we all do, and the first step you might want to make is to make people around you understand that your situation is not a choice you made or an unavoidable part of your personality. There is a cure for it, and you are going to find it, I promise. Just don’t give up, and believe in yourself, as hard as that might be.

Once you are out, you’ll look back like I do with these pictures and will ask yourself if that was you and how is that even possible or relatable.


One Response to “Thoughts on depression”

  1. self-captured November 28, 2010 at 11:02 am #

    very powerful. a lot of people would benefit from thoughts like this.

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